Closure: Myths & Facts and How to Get Closure After Loss
The initial moments following loss; be it the death of a loved one, a business foreclosure, a breaking of a meaningful relationship, or otherwise are often distressing and emotionally draining however in order to move on with the grief process in a healthy way that allows us to live our lives to the fullest once more, closure is often a necessity.
We often talk about “getting closure” yet the term is so subjective & relative to each individual case, no one can get a concrete answer to what it means to get closure. For many in our society, closure means leaving grief behind, a milestone they usually expect to reach within a matter of weeks or months. Closure means being “normal”, getting back to your old self, no longer crying or being affected by the event. It means “moving on with life” and leaving the past behind, even to the extent of forgetting it or ignoring it. Yet for instances such as the death of a loved one, this kind of closure is not only impossible but indeed undesirable.
Closure Reimagined
In order to experience a closure that lets us distinguish between the negative emotions associated with loss & rationalize and accept the new reality, is more similar to an ongoing process as opposed to a simple “moving on & forgetting”. The initial part of the closure is accepting reality. At first, you keep hoping or wishing that it weren’t true. You expect your lost loved one to walk through the door. You wait for your bank or business to tell you otherwise. You just can’t accept that this change has negatively impacted your life which can take weeks or months for the reality to sink in. In time, you come to know, in both your head and your heart that you’ve experienced the loss and while you may not like it, you accept it as true which is the first step towards achieving a healthy closure.
As you accept this “new reality” the hardest part of the closure is already behind you and now you must place the focus on learning to relive your life & carry out your everyday activities as you used to. When dealing with closure on the death of a loved one, there may be times where you are unable to do so however by accepting that this is natural and normal, you help stay on the path to healing. It is important to give yourself permission for whatever you are experiencing. While others may be telling you to put it behind you and get on with life, it is encouraged to build memories that you will never “put behind you”. Closure does not mean forgetting; it means taking the life, love, and lessons into the future with you.
Eventually, you are able to let go of what can no longer be. Yet at the same time, you realize you are taking the past, with all its pain and pleasure, into a new tomorrow. You accommodate to the loss and assimilate it into your life. It becomes a treasured part of your story that helps you grow into a different and hopefully better, more compassionate, more appreciative, more tolerant person. Enriched by your past, you fully embrace life again, connecting, laughing, and loving with a full heart. Yet this helps us realize that there is no “final” point of closure. While many may see the closure as the means to an end, for some it may simply mean acceptance, peace, & a future bright with love, joy & hope.
For more helpful tips on achieving a complete & healthy closure, we invite you to take a look at Ashley Davis Bush, LICSW’s article which helps address the “myths” behind closure & how to go through the grieving process in a healthy manner.
Here at Spavins Legal, we understand that dealing with the loss of a loved one can be a stressful time & that dealing with funeral arrangements and the probate court process can be the last thing you want to deal with. With this in mind, while planning for the inevitable may seem morbid, taking action & getting started on the estate planning process, can help give you and your loved ones the time and energy you need to grieve the loss of a loved one and achieve your closure.
This is why we invite you to take action to create contingency plans to ensure everyone knows exactly what to do in the event of an unforeseen circumstance such as loss. That’s why we would invite you to schedule a free 20-minute consultation call with us to go over the estate planning process & how that can help you and your loved ones prepare now so that you aren’t dealing with the intricacies of the probate court system while handling the emotions associated with loss.